And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
