Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
