You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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