you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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