U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
