if i can run in heels then i can drive
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
