so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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