My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
