one two three fourrrrnication!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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