I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
