turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
