this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
