first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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