I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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