My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
