No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
