If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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