I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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