she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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