I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
