I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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