so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
