I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
