Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
