she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
