I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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