the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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