...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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