I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just gift wrapped bread.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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