Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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