if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
