U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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