It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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