Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
