I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
