i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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