she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
