Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
