I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
