i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
