I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We left the knife in your bed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
