If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
