so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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