just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
