it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
