Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
