I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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