im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
