ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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