He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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