It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
