i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
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My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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