my being single is dangerous.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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