what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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