dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Randomize
