how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
