i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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