Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
