What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
